Painful Serendipity
by X5-237
Summary: Sometimes pain is the only thing that lets you know you're still alive...but sometimes it's best to let someone in close to help you through it (MA pairing)
1. Transgenics don't get Wasted

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dark Angel or anything on TV... if I did I wouldn't be living in a little apartment and getting through college on scholarships, now would I?**

Chapter One: Transgenics don't get Wasted  


'_So this is how it feels to lose your first love.'_

Max sat in the silent apartment and stared blankly ahead, not actually seeing Logan's apartment around her. The beauty of the rich wood floor and warm red accents were completely lost on her...even the lingering taste of pre-pulse wine on her tongue was barely noticeable. Logan's cousin Bitsy would be there tomorrow to begin packing up the family heirlooms, and, undoubtedly, prepare it for the Real Estate market. After tonight Max would never again come here; the apartment would belong to someone else. Logan was dead, and it was her fault.

"_We don't belong with them, Max. We're a danger to them."  
_Alec's words reverberated in Max's mind, bringing the guilt crashing down on her full-force. She had known that she was dangerous to Logan – she'd even tried breaking off their relationship after the last time they'd accidentally touched. She'd known that she couldn't keep counting on pure luck to save Logan, she'd known that the day might come when no other transgenic would be available to transfuse Logan, should they have any physical contact. And it had finally happened.

"I killed you." Max whispered to the empty apartment, her eyes brimming with belated tears. She poured herself another glass of wine and downed it in less than three gulps. The bottle was empty; it had been full when she'd first begun to drink it.  
Her stomach was tied in a knot and her head was swimming, but she knew it wasn't from the wine – it took far more than that to get her drunk. She was sickened by her own words; her own admission of guilt. Logan's death was completely and totally her fault. And hearing the words out loud made her ill.

She stumbled to the bathroom and threw up.

After it was over, Max leaned on the countertop and stared into the mirror. She splashed water on her flushed face, and rinsed away the bile taste with mouthwash from the mirror cupboard.  
Pushing her wet bangs away from her face, she went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of scotch. She took the bottle with her back into the living room.


	2. Enter the Cavalry

"Cindy, have you seen Max?"

Alec leaned close and spoke quietly into Original Cindy's ear, so the others at the table wouldn't overhear. The music at Crash was just loud enough to mask his voice, and the semi-dimness concealed the concern on his face.  
"She said was going for a ride to clear her head," Cindy answered, keeping her voice equally low. "But I think we both know where she probably ended up; and it won't be the Space Needle this time."  
Alec nodded and left Crash by the backdoor where he'd parked his bike. The engine jumped to life and Alec headed for the upscale side of town.

_(Back at the apartment)_

Max sat in the same position as before, the now-empty bottle of scotch dangling from her hand, her face expressionless. The apartment was warm, but she still wore her leather jacket and gloves. Her face was flushed and hot, but she felt cold inside. She had loved Logan, but Alec had been right: she was a danger to any Ordinary. And she had been a danger to Logan. _'I was so selfish,'_ Max thought dully. _'I wanted to stay with Logan, I wanted to have what we had before – and my selfishness killed him. I killed him.'_

"You shouldn't drink alone, Max."

Alec leaned in the doorframe, his hands in his pockets. Max's mind turned, unable to decide whether she was incredibly glad to see him, or if she wanted to tell him to leave her the hell alone.  
"Alec."  
Alec tossed his black leather jacket on a chair and walked across the room to the couch, sitting down beside Max.  
"Don't you dare say 'I told you so'." Max warned. "Don't you dare say that I knew all along that I was a danger to him." Alec shook his head slowly, wondering why she always assumed the worst about him.  
Their first meeting probably hadn't given her the best impression of him, though. Of course, he hadn't been too keen on her either – a breeding partner who wouldn't get within two feet of him with his shirt off. Terrific.

"I wasn't going to say anything like that." Alec laid the back of his hand against Max's forehead and frowned. "You're really hot, Max. Why don't you take your jacket off?" Max continued staring straight forward, but nodded slowly; as though she agreed with him, but it was too much effort to actually _do_. Alec carefully removed her jacket and laid it on the side table, then took the empty bottle from her hand and shook his head slightly. It took a lot to get a transgenic wasted, and the single bottle of scotch wouldn't have gotten Max intoxicated, but if you were depressed or moody it could sure as hell make the mood worse. He knew from experience what the mix of guilt, self-recriminations, and drinking alone felt like.

"I killed him, you know." Max said flatly, staring at the palms of her hands. "I touched him...it was my fault. I killed Ben, I killed Zach, and now I've killed Logan." Hot tears flooded down her cheeks, but her face remained like stone.

"Manticore killed Logan," Alec said softly, rubbing her back in small circles. "Ben wanted death, and you loved him enough to give him what he asked for. Zach survived, and he's alive today and living a normal life. You didn't kill them."

"I killed Logan." Max repeated, her expression crumbling, and a sob choking her words. "I could have walked out of his life forever and he wouldn't be dead. I killed him – that's on me one hundred percent."  
"Manticore killed him," Alec insisted gently. "Just like Manticore killed Rachel. I had to learn that the hard way, Max." He shook his head. "I'm still learning that."  
"I could have stayed away." Max whispered, sniffling. "I was too selfish."

She broke down, the sobs overtaking her ability to speak, and Alec pulled her close and rocked her like she was a little kid. Max only cried harder, one hand clutching his t-shirt, and the other wrapped protectively around herself.

_A/N: What'd you guys think? I need some reviews before I decide whether or not to keep on with this... think Max whines too much? Is too weak? Alec is too un-Alec-like? Let me know!_


	3. Helping Hints

_A/N: Wow,**xcuses** -thanks for the awesome review! And I'm sorry these chapters are so short! I know how irritating it can be! Because I actually wrote a huge chapter originally, I'm having trouble figuring out where I should chop it into smaller chapters.. and I apologize now for how short this chapter is. But I promise to have a longer (than this) chapter up by the end of this week! Thanks again for the incredibly encouraging review! **kill bill rocks** - don't worry, I do have plans for this to make sense... and Max will not become an alcoholic over this... no worries! **suenooneus** - Yes, I have big plans for developing all the character's relationships! There's lots more to come._

**Chapter Three: Helping Hints**

"How's she doing?" Alec asked Original Cindy as she stepped out of Max's bedroom and closed the door behind her.  
OC shrugged. "She's sleeping again. Her head might hurt some when she wakes up, but I don't know how much it takes to give you guys a hangover. Want some coffee?"  
Alec glanced outside into the dimness of 5 a.m. and nodded. "Thanks."  
"We'll have to wait to see how she is emotionally." Cindy stated, pouring the coffee grounds into the filter. "Boo's gonna have a lot of guilt, and she's gonna need someone who's been there to help her through it." She gave Alec a pointed look, and he sighed deeply. "She may not want someone to help her through it, Cindy. I sure as hell didn't when..." he drifted off, and Cindy decided not to pursue it.  
"My girl has a lot of independence, Alec. But that don't mean she can handle the world on her shoulders." Cindy set the coffee over the open flame of the gas stove, and came to sit in the window seat with Alec. "She's gonna need someone to watch out for her," Cindy cupped Alec's chin with her hand and smiled her easy smile. "Someone who, despite being a cynical smartass, cares a lot about Max, and can help her carry that great big world around." She leaned forward and gave him a light kiss on the forehead, the way a mother would to her little boy. "Come help me cook us some breakfast, pretty boy." Cindy smiled, standing and going back to the kitchen.  
Alec rolled his eyes and followed. "How come you think you know so much about me?" He asked, pulling a carton of eggs out of the refrigerator.  
"'Cause, genius," Cindy grinned. "I'm Original Cindy, and I just know things like that."


	4. A March to a Solemn Song

"Max? You need to get up, Alec's here and we're gonna need to leave in an hour." Original Cindy sat on the edge of Max's bed and gently shook her friend's shoulder. Max nodded wordlessly, and stayed staring at the opposite wall.

She had hardly been anywhere but her bedroom since Logan's death three days before, and it only made her feel more tired and depressed. Cindy, wonderful friend that she was, had forced her to eat at least once a day, and to drink water as often as possible, but Max really didn't feel like caring. Twenty minutes later there was a knock on her bedroom door, and Alec's voice drifted in.

"Max? Can I come in?" After a silent pause, Alec slowly opened the door and stuck his head in. Max was still curled up on the bed, staring listlessly forward.  
"Max?" He whispered, coming and kneeling in front of her. Max dragged her eyes up to meet his gaze and sighed tiredly. "I'm coming." She mumbled, sitting up and running her hands through her hair. "Lemme get a shower, and then I'll be ready."  
Alec nodded and left, closing the door softly behind him. Getting through Logan's funeral wouldn't be an easy thing for Max, but that's why he and OC were going along; for Max's sake mostly – even though they'd both known Logan, too.

"She's getting ready," Alec told Cindy, who was slipping on a pair of black dress boots. Cindy shook her head and tugged on the zipper of her left boot.  
"She needs to get her head out of this daze... maybe take a few days vacation away from Seattle – somewhere she and Logan never went together."  
Alec shrugged. "Maybe. She'll learn to live with it, though. She'll fall back on her training – just wait and see." He shook his head. "You always get over it, you know? I mean, even when it was really love...and because it was your first you never forget it, but the memory does fade some, and it starts to hurt less and less. But you've got to face up to the fact that it will fade, or the hurting never stops."  
"I'm impressed, Alec." Cindy said, raising her eyebrows. "That was deep." Alec merely shrugged, lacking his usual smartass comments. It just didn't fit today.

Max came out of her room, her hair damp and left down, wearing a pair of dark jeans and a black knit turtleneck. She had no makeup on, and her face was paler than usual, but neither Cindy nor Alec mentioned it.  
"You ready to go, Boo?" Cindy asked, hugging her roommate. Max nodded, picking up her jacket from the couch and slowly putting it on.

They walked the three blocks to the church, and slipped into the back of the sanctuary, avoiding most of Logan's high-society family. The service started soon after they'd found three seats together, and everyone stood as the pallbearers carried Logan's casket to the front of the church. Alec glanced over at Max as the coffin passed them, but she was staring straight ahead, her face blank. He reached over and squeezed her hand gently, and she tightened her grip in return, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.


	5. Seeking Solace

_**Thanks for the nice reviews guys! Yes, I have considered allowing for annonymus reviews, but I unfortunately don't have the time to read them all, so this is my way of keeping them to a managable level! Sorry for all you AR's out there... and sorry for taking so long to update! I'll have the next chapter up by the end of this week... if you review! hint hint! Love you all, and keep up the great work on your own stories! Trust me, I've read many of them!  
X5-237**_

Max had been glad to have Cindy there on her left to keep her from going insane, and she was grateful to her friend who was always strong for her, but she knew that she wouldn't have made it through the day without Alec's support.

Through the entire funeral service, Max had gripped Alec's hand like a lifeline, and when she'd nearly broke down at the cemetery it was Alec who wrapped an arm around her and let her cry into his shoulder so that no one would notice. He was like an anchor; strong, confidant, and assured.

Original Cindy, exhausted from the emotional strain of supporting Max throughout the day, had promptly fallen asleep on the couch; after, of course, Max had assured her that she was okay, and didn't need anything.  
It wasn't true, though – about Max not needing anything. She wandered slowly around her bedroom, her mind blank except for one thought: Alec.  
She wanted Alec's company, wanted to return to his strong hug that seemed to keep the world far away... wanted to hear his voice saying that she wasn't to blame.

Max slipped into her jacket and quietly picked up the keys to her Ninja. Creeping silently past the sleeping Cindy, she hurried out of the apartment complex and into the chilly night air. It was late in May, and the rain was still cold as it came down, the drops beating a steady rhythm on her face as she steered the bike out into the silent streets and headed for Alec's.


	6. A Safe Haven?

**_Author's Note:  
Hey, thanks for the reviews you guys! I'm coming up on a writer's block (I can feel it!) so if you guys will start thinking about some possible plot directions, I'd welcome the suggestions! I don't want M/A to get it on too fast, because they've had such an awkward relationship (in the tv series), but I do want to get them as an official couple eventually! _**

Alec sat on his couch, sock-clad feet propped up and a half-empty glass of liquor in his hand. It was cold enough outside to have a fire going, so he sat staring into the bright flames; wishing that, if only for this once, the alcohol would actually get him drunk. All he could think of was Max – and it made him feel like a jerk that he wasn't thinking about missing Logan at all. Sure, Logan had been a decent guy, but he'd never have really called him a _friend_... still, the guy was dead – and the dead deserved a little respect.

He had just finished the last bit in his glass when there was a quiet knock on his front door. Having no idea who it was, Alec set down his empty glass and carefully went over to the door, opening it slowly. Even smartass remarks eluded him.

Max was standing there, drenched from the cold rain, and shivering despite having her jacket zipped up to the throat. Her hair hung down over one eye, and her bottom lip was quivering as her teeth chattered slightly. She looked like a stray puppy, especially with those big, sad brown eyes.

Standing in the apartment complex's hallway, Max thought Alec had never looked so good or safe to her. He had a completely surprised look on his face, almost like when she'd kicked him against the door of her cell back at Manticore, but less irritated. He had no shirt on, and his hair was mussed, but he looked great. _'Safe and warm and perfect.'_ Max thought, another shiver running through her.

"Come on," Alec said, opening the door wider and stepping out of the way so she could come inside the apartment. She whispered a barely audible '_thanks_' and went to sit by the fire, stretching out her hands and welcoming the heat. Alec came and crouched beside her, his eyes concerned. "Are you okay, Max?" Max nodded very slowly and unzipped her jacket. "Yeah, I just..." she paused, unsure what to say. She sighed. "I couldn't stay home anymore, and I..." she stopped and shrugged, beginning to second-guess herself for coming to Alec's.  
"No problem," Alec said easily, straightening up and going into the kitchen. "Ya want some coffee?"  
Max tugged off her wet jacket and looked around for a place to put it. "Coffee would be great," she said, draping the jacket over the back of a chair.  
With his back to the living room, Alec couldn't see what she was doing, but he was listening carefully. It occurred to him when he heard her take off her jacket that she was still drenched, and wasn't likely to dry out any time soon.  
"Hey, Max," he said over his shoulder, "Why don't you go in the bedroom and grab a change of clothes." He turned around, saw the look on Max's face, and chuckled. "You're a walking puddle, 452. Go change."

A little bit of the old Max flared up when he called her 452. He could see it flicker just briefly, but then it was gone, and she nodded obediently; going into the bedroom and shutting the door.

Alec busied himself making the coffee...trying hard not to think about the X5 changing into _his_ clothes on the other side of the door. He made a conscious effort not to pay any attention to the sound of Max tugging off her wet jeans, or the quiet sound of the shirt coming over her head. He tried to shut down his highly sensitive hearing, but it was more of a chore than he thought it should have been.  
_'We're just friends... that's all...'_  
The phrase swirled in his head, but he was having trouble believing it.


End file.
